Time has flown since enlistment.. well not really. The year has been long, not to mention difficult.

I've been through a lot, a lot in the past year; it was an experience to remember. The times for better or for worst, the times we laughed or cried, the times we enjoyed or suffered together. I have made not just a small handful of new friends, but a whole network of them.

But they are the bunch of people I will be with through the reluctant 2 years. Perhaps not every one of them would be the kind of friends that would stick by you forever, but at least they will sit through the 2 years beside you, eating the nonsense that shoots our way. I treasure them.

It was certainly not easy to maintain a relationship in the NSF days. I will admit I had it easy when a girl came to me instead. I have spent countless effort maintaining my relationship currently of 2 years, especially when it is not just any other conventional relationship. However I am nothing but glad that we made it through the hard times, even though we've split twice. So I want to tell her that, thank you for believing in our relationship, for not giving up in tough times, for loving unconditionally. I love you, Charmian.

While 2011 marked the start of a huge turn in life, 2012 will continue that bend, and I believe that by adapting to what comes my way instead of resisting changes, it will turn out to be a great year.

A late Happy New Year to everyone, may your 2012 be awesome too! :)


My love's like a star, yeah
You can't always see me
But you know that I'm always there
When you see one shining
Take it as mine
And remember I'm always there
If you see a comet
Baby, I'm on it
Making my way back home
Just follow the glow
Yeah it won't be long
Just know that you're not alone

Somebody,
Just,
Kill,
Me.

I really had enough. This is prolonged torture. Did I do something so wrong my last life or what? So many times have I thought I hit rock-bottom, and then I find my life continuing down-slope.

Seriously, I've been losing my optimism for months, even years. Now, I don't even see my optimism any more. Where's the happy happy me, my friend asked. I'll tell you, it's gone. My happiness doesn't last no more.

Another thing. I've been thinking. Everything has changed so drastically ever since. You can go on and on all about yourself, what about me? My voice is unheard. You're not even the right person I can talk to any more. I'm just back to my own self. With my thoughts and feelings bottled. Nobody to open it up to. I've been searching for a new friend for 3 years. I found nobody. And I feel like it's time for me to give it up, stop hoping, put things behind me, look ahead, and move on.

Did someone curse me or something? I just don't understand why I've been so damn unlucky. Life isn't quite at its worst yet, but it can certainly be much, much, much better.

Someone just.. bring me out of this pool of shit mess.. please.

Disclaimer: Please take my words in this post with a pinch of salt. I just needed somewhere to vent my frustrations. I apologise for offending someone.


I need a little more luck than a little bit
'Cause every time I get stuck the words won't fit
And every time I tried I get tongue tied
I need a little good luck to get me by
I need a little more help than a little bit
Like the perfect one word no one's heard yet
'Cause every time I tried I get tongue tied
I need a little good luck to get me by this time

It's been some time since I last saw the 0912Bians. So I quickly agreed to go.

The gathering was held at Nadia's new condo. We ended up in Nadia's house due to the slight drizzle..

Nothing has really changed much about them, perhaps just in their appearances. Khai Jhin is still his old self, Guo Xi and Xue Qin still together, Fatin still the orderly in charge, just to say a few. It's just that there were new topics to talk about now, as we all moved into a new phase of life - university life and army life.

But I guess 0912B will always be 0912B huh?

There was a lot, a lot of food brought to share, mostly home-cooked. We didn't manage to finish all those food.

But we did engage in long conversations; so many things to share after 6 months.

We played some games like Truth or Dare, everyone taking turns at it. We all learned new things about each other. We also played this game in which we tell 3 things, and everyone must guess the lie within the 3 statements. Through that, we really got to know a lot of funny (and really weird)things about one another. It was really a good catching up session. I had fun.

And I only realised, I did miss my class after all.

Platoon barbeque at Punggol Park. I came late, having met my old friends in the afternoon. I spent a lot of time talking from person to person.

And I find that, we still lack some cohesion. Not all of us though, there are people from each clique that can mix well with another.

The bbq had just the typical, not that I'm actually complaining. But what I saw was bored faces, sian faces.

What our platoon really lacks is energy.

I spent the rest of the time playing card games.. but now I wish a little that I was rather having long conversations with friends. Well at least I had more socializing time with my platoon mates.

I had fun with my old friends, my new friends. Whether I really like them or not, they'll still be those who'd be there.

It's been really long since I was truly happy. I felt it today.


Before I run far away
I need to take a holiday
Maybe it's a fall from grace
I gotta find a new place
A holiday
I'll set off on a new chase
I gotta find a new face
I need to take a holiday

Have I done something wrong?

I know things have been hard. I know you've been enduring for a long time. I know you've been suffering in silence. I know you're hiding your feelings.

So, I don't know what you're thinking any more. I don't know how you feel, what you're feeling any more. I don't know what I have been doing right, I don't know what I've done wrong, what I've been doing wrong. I don't understand you any more.

You've changed. And you would not let me know. You didn't want to hurt me and rather take all the hurt yourself? Truth hurts; it gets worse to hide it. I'm not blaming you, because I have not even put myself in your shoes.

So, what happened?


Bright, cold silver moon
Tonight alone in my room
You were here just yesterday
Slight turn of the head
Eyes down when you said
I guess I need my life to change
Seems like some things just aren't the same
What could I say?

When you've got two hours to spare at six in the morning in Tekong, you take the advantage of the wonderful scenery of Tekong. You don't just sit in the bunk and wait for time to pass. You get up, get out of the bunk to the corridor, and watch the sky turn bright.

I really wonder when was the last time I watched a sunrise.

A bright circular spot of orange, surrounded by faint orange, hiding behind dark blue rain clouds, just at the level of the tallest tree in the distance. A layer of morning dew covered everything below the morning Sun. Gentle breeze lightly brushed past my skin. I watched as the Sun climbed over the canopy of trees and grew more and more yellow.

Inspiring music played from the portable speakers; it just makes you want to do nothing and sit there and watch the world go by:

I wish I could share
All the love that's in my heart
Remove all the bars that keep us apart
And I wish you could know how it is to be me
Then you'd see and agree that every man should be free.

I leaned on the ledge, and just watched the sunrise.

Beautiful sunrise. The world may be your private torture chamber; despite that, the world's still beautiful.

Larzz - When I Am Gone

I hold you close and kiss your lips
Can I not hold with tighter grip?
Can I not stay for one more day?
Well even that will go away
And I just want to say

Each move you make is a memory
Each word you speak is a melody
Each tear you cry is a reason why
It's so hard now to say goodbye
Each breathe you take is a gift to me
Each kiss you give is an endless dream
Each touch from you burns like the sun
Will you still burn when I am gone?

Here hold my hand before I go
And hear my song when you're alone
Here take this kiss and hold it close
Here hold my heart till I get home
And I want you to know

Each move you make is a memory
Each word you speak is a melody
Each tear you cry is a reason why
It's so hard now to say goodbye
Each breathe you take is a gift to me
Each kiss you give is an endless dream
Each touch from you burns like the sun
Will you still burn when I am gone?

Will you still burn when I am gone?

I close my eyes and I can see you
I hear your voice and I can feel you
I'm away but I'm not gone
We're apart but not alone
I close my eyes and I can see you
I hear your voice and I can feel you
I'm away but I'm not gone
We're apart but we are not alone

Each move you make is a memory
Each word you speak is a melody
Each tear you cry is a reason why
It's so hard now to say goodbye
Each breathe you take is a gift to me
Each kiss you give is an endless dream
Each touch from you burns like the sun
Will you still burn when I am gone?

Will you still burn when I am gone?

Ah.. can't sleep. I havent really been sleeping well recently, I don't really know why either. I fell asleep at 5am for the past two nights, I'm afraid I'm afraid I might do the same tonight.

Maybe it's because it's two weeks before my enlistment. Only two weeks. At the same time I am also worried about my results, though much less than ns itself. It's just too fast, two weeks left. I still have things I want to do so badly. But just like the two tries, I can only hope for the best, hope for good luck.

Haiz. Life just sucks now. I'm really only happy when I am happy about that one thing, forgetting about the nine other things that would make me sad. Yeah, of course I often fail miserably. Not consoled that I have only made it past two years of the four years of torment, and hopefully not another four years as well...

Oh well. Wish myself good luck. I'll need it. Crucially.


This night is sparkling, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you.

So hard....But mustn't give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Maybe it's time for miracles.

January the 25th. The 393rd day. 3am in the morning, I was trying but still failing to visit slumberland. And during such sleepless nights, do you realise a lot more than you already know.

Every passing day was actually painful. One day closer to the starting of "physical torment", one day closer to the discovery of the yield of the sown seeds, and even more importantly, one less chance to the one thing that could make me suffer less. I dread having to follow orders all day long; I fear my crops being ruined by weed; and I fear having to wait. Waiting is painful, I was reminded again.

I close my eyes, and the image assembled in my head. The face of fair and smooth skin, those eyes that concave downwards, those pink, thin lips that seemed to greet me everytime I see them, and those slightly wavy, long hair that had a scent hard to forget. And that gentle smile that tells you that the beautiful girl is safely asleep, wandering the wonders of land only limited by imagination. Often, I've been caught roaming around in her streets.

Those were the only times I was right next to her. Physically.

I ponder about this; were all the investments I have put in going to promise me anything? They came with gigantic price-tags. Yet, it feels like it was the only reason I am pushing on.

All that happened seven months ago, I remember so vividly, that I could recite in greatest details of each event. It was a whole new experience. Something that was wonderful. Something worth remembering, even if it were gone. It was then when we first met; the adrenaline you get is one-of-a-kind.

But I also remembered how I first heard you cry after I set for home. Something that hits your heart and say, you will hold on to this special relationship. Regardlessly. "Nothing will stop the pair if you both choose to make it work," I recall from comparing our horoscope.

With that I hugged my pillow tight, wishing it was you.

Happy 1st anniversary.

And many, many more to come.

I love you

I be lonely on Christmas, and till the end of 2010.

Wish you were here.


I don't have anyone at home to talk you
And you don't have anything to do
So I'll spend my Christmas with you

It is the same as remembering what you have lost.

When your friends are out to play
You keep loneliness at bay

6 Dec; Met up with Tsoi, Jiakai and Judah at 9pm, and we got on the bus around 9.30. Our seats were separated two a pair and two single seats; I sat with Judah in the pair seats. Had a nice talk with Judah during the first part of the trip. Shared thoughts and opinions haha. Insightful.

After through all the custom immigrations, we could use the video system provided for each of us! Pretty cool stuff, they have games, music (lol but no songs in it!), movies! I watched Avatar, considering that I missed the movie while it was in theatres. It's a great movie :)

I sat looking out the window for the rest of the ride; with a thousand thoughts running through my head. Yes I love quiet night-bus rides.

Detailed thoughts of our first day. Nostalgia from sitting on a coach.
Miss you.
and thank you for your prayers for our safety :)

Arriving at Genting Highlands at 3am, it was really cold! Walked around the place, and settled for breakfast (at 5am lol) at KFC. The peace and quiet is awesome. Walked around somemore and we just sat down at Macs and played cards there lol. Everybody's exhausted; we're all highly sleep-deprived lol.

We got up to check out the cable cars at 7+, to check out the prices and make sure it wasnt under renovation. We went outdoors - rooftop of the carpark - and wow, did we get an awesome scenery!

We were sandwiched between two layers of clouds; one layer of white clouds so thick you cant see through them, and one thin layer above us. We can see clouds cover parts of buildings. It is just awesome to be above the clouds, literally! The breeze was wonderful as well, cool but not chilly. We took a few pictures there, took us more than 30 minutes perhaps?

Epic.

We settled for the cable cars at 8am. More wonderful sceneries, this time from mid-air! The cable car drives us downwards slowly, taking perhaps 20 mins. More pictures were taken in the process.

"*with Tatyan's accent* uhh~"

We see more of greeneries actually. Perhaps hills as well, and buildings high and away from us, and buildings below and getting nearer to us. It was also awesome to travel through the thick white clouds; you watch smoke-like particles drift past you.

We got off at the stop, walked around, and be back to go back up in 5 mins.

We waited at the lobby for our hotel room key.. And we fell asleep waiting.

We got up from our hotel rooms at 11.30am. We had lunch at the food court...which was totally overpriced. Service sucks, and it was really chaotic. I haven't seen food prices that are all above fast food prices? Scary.

We had two games of bowling afterwards. Looks like the four of us bowl together a lot huh? Actually plus Kevin as well but......

We went to get tix for Rapunzel, at RM12, for a night movie :D

And then we ta pao-ed a large and a regular pizza into our hotel room and we parteh-ed LOL. Delicious, fragent pizzas accompanied by poker cards and uno cards.. haha. Sumptuous dinner much?

We had a chat session after again. I love friendly chat sessions haha.

Rapunzel is a nice movie! Very comical lol. I just love the horse LOL. It's not a movie that's too short as well; in fact a little long, but it's still a must watch movie :D

We returned to our room, played cards a while more, and turned in for an action-packed next day :)

It was, unfortunately, raining when we got up at 7am. Judah said it had been raining since about 6am. I jumped right into Tsoi and Jiakai's beds and wake them up lol! Tsoi, Judah and I went for breakfast, and Jiakai would sleep in.

We had Marybrown for breakfast. And we watched activity around the indoor theme park start at about 7.30am. I can't remember what I had but I was still hungry after breakfast. So we got some instant noodles and went back to the hotel, waiting for the rain to stop.

The three of us had a listening-to-music session at our room.

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

When the rain stopped at about 10am, we woke Jiakai up and head out for the outdoor theme park. Played the Go-cart first, and spinning, swinging thing as well. Marybrown for lunch again. It started raining. In the end we wasted over an hour waiting for the rain to stop. So we went to play pool, for over an hour.

The rain did stop after we finished our game of pool. We went back for another round of Go-cart, and headed for dinner at KFC. Yes, we ate tons of unhealthy food!

We went for a round of roller coaster. Then we went for this water bumper boat thing. It's the bumper cars game on water lol. You get to drive these motored boats and bump into other's boats. And it's fun! Splashing fun hahaha.

And when we finished that the outdoor theme park was closing. We got more instant noodles and went back to our hotel room.

We taught Tsoi how to play bridge; it was no doubt a difficult job, but also due to different play styles. I taught them the memory game as well. And we played right up till 3.30am, and everyone's exhausted, and turned in.

We got up at 11.30am, packed up, had pizza for lunch again.

I slept the first half of the return trip, tried to play their video game on the bus, and just stared outside when the sky was turning dark.

And I remember Tsoi's relentless line, "'Tis quite fun, huh?"



[credits to Tsoi for all pictures.]


Each move you make is a memory
Each word you speak is a melody
Each tear you cry is a reason why
It's so hard now to say goodbye
Each breathe you take is a gift to me
Each kiss you give is an endless dream
Each touch from you burns like the sun

Will you still burn when I am gone?

It's been eventful since my 18th birthday.

25 Nov; Met Hong, Bert and Judah got fishing in the morning. Just a quick near 2 hours session. Had 1 catch I think? Caught a bigger one again haha. Lunch at Thai Express; cost split such that Bert and Judah treats both of us and Hong and I treat each other as well. The food's good, better than I actually expected. Thanks Hong, Bert, Judah! :)

Had a LAN session with the 4Faith clique in the afternoon, and had dinner at 日本村. The food's not bad, quite filling as well, but it is quite expensive. Must have been quite a lot of the rest to treat Oliver and I for dinner. Thanks Kenneth, Leslie, Leon, Sing Hau, Barry, Jien Li, and Oliver for dinner and a present! :)

And thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday! Over 70 of you :) And Charmian for wishing twice lol :)

26 Nov; Dinner with Huimei, Jose, Jianwei and Victoria at Northpoint. Met up with Qiuhui and caught Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part 1) as well. I guess it's not too bad, except that I can't really judge it if it's only half the story. I didn't read the book for this series, but at least I read almost every other book.

30 Nov; Oliver, Hong and Bert came over in the afternoon to help me install Diablo 2...Best friends' company is awesome :) After that Bert went home while we met up with Man and friends for dinner at Pizza Hut. 3 pizzas as usual; a treat for Hong and I. Thanks Hong, Oliver, Bert, Shu En, Man, Ying Shiang, Hex and Aaron! :)

1 Dec; 0912B Class Outing. Unsurprisingly, the entire class is late, with Harb and I being first to reach (5 mins late lol). Got to Sentosa and eventually the beach. Played ball a little, and we all ended up the waters haha, all except Sufyan. And of course we were trying to toss him into the waters! Played *cheating* Captain's Ball in the waters. Game failed lol.

We changed and played a little game. The package goes round in the circle, and when the music stops, the person holding onto the package unwraps a layer and does the dare. The game finishes when the package is fully unwrapped to the present underneath. The best dare was Sufyan's pole dance; Rat as the pole! Oh and I owe Xueqin an icecream haha.

Skyride + Luge. The Skyride is just a bench hanging in midair (passengers safely secured of course). Your slippers could drop off anytime lol. A quick 5 mins ride uphill. Luge is a Go-cart except it doesnt run on motor! Gravity effects, hehe. Sped all the way and even almost tipped over lol. That's fun!

Lunch at KFC, and the class surprises me with Nadia's home-made chocolate confectionery with M&Ms on top! It's not bad at all haha. Thanks 0912B :)

3 Dec; Gym session with Shu En and Ying Shiang. First time at a public gym. Ah, I have so much training to do :/ and I'm running out of time. Tried not to overtrain at the gym; I haven't exercised in months!

6 Dec; Grad Night. Well actually it wasn't good, overall. Normal food, or perhaps a little below hotel standard, lousy events. The best part of Grad Night was the dance performance by our Dance group? Haha, what fail.

Went out drinking with Guoxi, Rat and Xueqin after Grad Night. Walked for almost an hour in search, initially, of The Butter Factory, but we pretty much figured it'd be too crowded. So we went to the nearby Helitop. Had lime margarita; it tastes great! Although the taste of alcohol wasn't really there haha. Rat and Guoxi had quite a few drinks. And while Xueqin steals sips from Guoxi's glass, it appears that Guoxi and Xueqin are almost drunk? Haha. Awesome night :)


I hold you close and kiss your lips
Can I not hold with tighter grip?
Can I not stay for one more day?
Well even that will go away
And I just want to say

Hanging by a thread of hope.

Taylor Swift - Enchanted

There I was again tonight forcing laughter, faking smiles
Same old tired, lonely place
Walls of insincerity
Shifiting eyes and vancancy vanished when I saw your face
All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you

Your eyes whispered "have we met?"
Across the room your silhouette starts to make it's way to me
The playful conversation starts
Counter all your quick remarks like passing notes in secrecy
And it was enchanting to meet you
All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

The lingering question kept me up
2am, who do you love?
I wonder till I'm wide awake
Now I'm pacing back and forth, wishing you were at my door
I'd open up and you would say,
It was enchanting to meet you
All I know is I was enchanted to meet you

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
This night is flawless, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

This is me praying that this was the very first page
Not where the story line ends
My thoughts will echo your name until I see you again
These are the words I held back as I was leaving too soon
I was enchanted to meet you
Please don't be in love with someone else
Please don't have somebody waiting on you
Please don't be in love with someone else
Please don't have somebody waiting on you

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
This night is flawless, don't you let it go
I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

Please don't be in love with someone else
Please don't have somebody waiting on you